The Two Scottish Rappers Who Conned the World

published on July 2, 2020

Imagine I could make you be someone

and you don’t have to have
all the problems from your past

and you’re gonna play a character
that everyone’s gonna love

and that character is gonna
just take you

right to where you want to be

Are you gonna lie to me
and tell me

you’re not gonna take that guy?

[The Fake Scottish Eminem]

My name is Gavin Bain

and I’m a Scottish rapper
who conned the music industry

by pretending I was
a Californian rapper

To put some context to it,

I found myself in Dundee, studying,

and the first day
I meet this guy, Billy

But he’s at the other
end of the spectrum

He’s who I want to be
He’s who I could be

And I could be cool
if I had this guy’s confidence

He’s into rap, I’m into rap,

we were, like,
rapping with each other,

and we started a rap group

And then we see this thing online
that says,

“Are you the next Eminem?”
for this audition in London

So we take the 13-hour
bus journey down,

we get to Covent Garden
super early in the morning

The queue is going
around the block twice

We get into the audition

and so we go on, I start to rap

and then he just stopped us after
about 30 seconds, the guy was like,

“Look, there’s Scotland
and there’s rap

We can’t sell Scottish rap

You will never, ever make it in rap”

You know,
and we’re just like, “****”

He’s like, “You sound like
the rapping Proclaimers”

For me, that was like,
“You’ve just destroyed me,

You have no idea, but you just
literally destroyed me

I can go and kill myself right now

That’s what you’ve done here”

So for me, it was just, like,
I kind of knew what I had to do

I’m gonna be American

So I take one of the tracks
and I record it again in American

and then I uploaded it
onto a competition on BBC

<i>I slept on a park bench</i>
<i>coz I was drunk</i>

<i>I hit a cop in the head</i>
<i>coz I was drunk</i>

<i>I had a smoke in bed</i>
<i>coz I was drunk</i>

<i>I tried to walk but failed</i>
<i>coz I was drunk</i>

I turned onto Radio One
and there’s our song,

it’s just playing on heavy rotation

It won,

and I’m like “What?”

I’m just seeing it, like, because
in my head it’s like this,

I can see this, right?

We’re gonna go back down
to London with these tracks,

record in American,
and we’re just gonna be American

Silibil, Brains,

both met in the same skate scenes,
punk rock scenes, and hip hop scenes,

just back in the day

-Two ill MCs
-Yeah

We basically decided
to join forces together

and take over the planet

We had no idea how
the industry worked,

but we were gonna learn that
the hard way

So we were like, “Let’s go down now

We have to be in All in

We are Silibil N’ Brains

Whatever that is, let’s make it up,
let’s improvise

But we are crazy as ****”

Warming up

So we did the show, chasing each
other around with knives on stage,

jumping off things,
battle rapping the crowd,

we ripped the **** out of it

Afterwards, backstage, head of the
label that we end up signing to,

he’s just like,

“What the **** is this?
Where have you guys been?”

And we tell him
this elaborate **** story

You can sell this:

Californian skater dudes,

best friends with Eminem,

on the run from
burning your school gym down

And he’s like, “What?

Yeah, **** yeah”

And he’s just like, “Obviously
you’re best friends with Eminem,

he must have taught
you how to do that”

And we’re like,
“Yeah, he taught us how to rap”

This is it, this is the great
sellable story

Where are you guys from?

Well, California, pretty much

So, you’re Cali
sort of Cali both in LA?

Yeah, we met in
that’s where we met

-Well, not in LA
-Not in LA, just outside LA

-Called what?
-Hemet

It’s in San Jacinto

Yeah, well, I know the area

Yeah, the San Jacinto area

That’s the story

We tell him we don’t get out of bed
for anything less than 70 grand

and he’s just like,

“Alright, 70 grand, each”

And we’re like, “Alright,
now we’re being **** payrolled

by the most powerful guy
in the music industry”

On the day that we signed to Sony,
our lawyer, he finds something fishy

Why would we not just show him
our passports?

So we'll come back to him

But he put us in the studio
straight away

This side of us is Muse,
that side of us is Depeche Mode,

and then across from us
is So Solid Crew

and everyone
is popping their heads in to hear

the crazy lyric that we just said

<i>This is the story</i>
<i>of a skilful assassin</i>

<i>Former beauty queen thinks</i>
<i>she’s still in a pageant</i>

<i>Acts like Jenny Aniston</i>
<i>aggressively attracting men</i>

<i>Her ideal job would be</i>
<i>a lingerie mannequin</i>

<i>She’s acting so unattainable</i>

<i>Waiting for Prince Charming</i>
<i>to entertain her dull</i>

<i>Existence, drinking,</i>
<i>rinsing guys in an instance</i>

<i>Daddy’s little princess</i>
<i>Equipped for business</i>

What are you doing?

Right, that’s it
We’ve got the record

Give it to Sony, we've done our part

We've got five songs on here

And before the next release window,

MTV says, “We want to pick them
as the top five artists”

That was it,
we were now gonna go on MTV

****, how do we go and lie
to an entire nation?

This isn’t a part of the plan

because this could all just go
horribly wrong

So we come back off tour
and our manager tells us,

“You’re not coming off tour

You’re gonna go back on the road
with your best friend”

“What do you mean,
‘Our best friend?’”

And he was like,
“Oh, Eminem’s in town

and he picked you to tour with him”

I’m kind of like, “Oh, no, we’re
not best friends with him”

I got a phone call this morning

saying, “Come and support D12,”

which kind of wasn’t scheduled

But, yeah

First date with the band,
a few thousand people

nothing to worry about

We’re all **** ourselves

Like, let me just remind you who we
actually really are, you know,

and like, everyone’s like, “Oh no”

As soon as we turn up to the venue,

everyone’s gonna say,
“Who the **** are these guys?”

OK, we’re on the stage
at the Brixton Academy

They were on stage soundchecking

and we just walked on stage,
cuddled them,

acted like we were
the best friends they ever had

And they played along because
I guess they’re thinking,

“Alright, we must have met
these guys before”

And we came offstage
jumping up and down,

and it was probably
the best moment in my career

We come offstage, we’re backstage,

everyone’s celebrating
in the dressing room

Me and Bill are kind of outside
just having a moment with each other

and now we’ve spent a million
in a year,

just having the greatest time
of our lives

And we’re just like, “That’s it,

we did it, we’re here

We’ve gone from the bedroom,
making demos,

to the road with Eminem

Like, there’s nowhere higher
than this

Like, of course, we want to
do this, but this is it

No one can take this
from us, you know?”

And then who comes along?

The lawyer

And he just tells us,
“I know who you are

I know everything”

And he’s like,
“You have to come clean

They’ll sue you for all that money

Do you have the million?

Where’s the money?
Where’s the money?”

And so we just turned around to him,
we were like,

“Dude, we don’t know what the ****
you’re talking about”

But now, we get to the point
at nights where

we’d start fighting each other

We tried to kill each other

That's how bad it got

I’m not really me anymore,

and Bill is a horrible,
exaggerated version of himself

Now we’re two monsters

Now we’re just being ****

And we have that fight
and he’s just like,

“**** it, I’m out of here”

But I’m now stuck with

a 50 grand tax bill

How do I get out of this trouble now?

So I start doing whatever

I’m like this rapper,

one minute I’m hanging out with
Madonna and then a few weeks later,

donating sperm to make money

And I’m taking out old women
and being paid to take women out,

and then I’m in the **** job center

And it’s just like,
“How the **** did this get here?”

I was at my lowest

and I attempted suicide

And when I came out of the hospital

and I put a gig on,

I just grabbed the mic
and I tell everyone to cut the music

And I just say,

“I’m not Brains McLoud,
I’m Gavin Bain

and I’ve never been to America”

And it's just like silence

Some people were like,
“You are a **** genius,”

and some people were like,
“You are a **** ****”

You can get away for a while, lying

But the reason that Bill and I were
able to actually pull off what we did

was because we actually were being
real on stage

Because we were those guys

We just found a vehicle to allow
them to be who they can be

If you’re just faking it or you’re
just saying that you’re dope,

who gives a ****?

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