Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were a hair metal band

by birtanpublished on July 2, 2020

In 1990,

Pizza Hut invented a live-action

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles glam metal band

that toured the world and

played a sold out show at Radio City Music Hall

Michelangelo played a one-string bass,

and Raphael played the drums and the saxophone

(sings) "We're coming out of our shell"

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were created

by Mirage Studios artists Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird in 1984

By 1986,

they were already the inspiration for a best-selling line of figurines,

and in December '87,

an animated mini series made its debute on CBS

Eastman and Laird's anthropomorphic sewer dudes

were soon pulling in

billions of dollars in licencing revenue

There were the obvious tie-ins –

pez, pogs, popsicles with gum eyes

There was that Nintendo game that taught us how

important pizza was to our health,

and the live action movie which toppled Halloween

as the highest grossing independent film of all time

And then there was the food

Mountains of delicious, truly disgusting food

(sings) "It's the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

Pizza Crunchabunga

Snack attack

A snack attack, Jack"

Mmm, Crunchabungas

I liked them better than Ninja Turtles Pudding Pies

and Royal's Ooze gelatin dessert,

but not as much as the cereal

Which was amazing

[commercial plays]

But where was the pizza?

Ripping a huge guitar solo, you fucking nerd

The Coming Out of Their Shells Tour

debuted on August 17, 1990

Shredder tries to destroy

all music with his De-Harmonic Convergence Converter,

and our heroes battle him through the power of song

and rudimentary fight choreography

In the accompanying behind-the-scenes special,

Raph is seen writing all of his lyrics

on Pizza Hut boxes,

which also litter the stage,

and the soundtrack

was only made available in Pizza Hut

with the purchase of a large, single topping pizza

Why?

"Cuz they don't sell pizza in record stores, dude"

Oh, and the big single was called “Pizza Power”

Huge chune

["Pizza Power" plays]

["Pizza Power" plays]
– Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut Pizza Hut

Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut

Pizza Hut (laughs)

"Once he's landed on Pizza Hut"

"and there was one guy at Pizza Hut"

– "Pizza Hut"

– "Pizza Hut"

– "will launch the most agressive"

"promotion ever done"

All of that Pizza Hut money

was sorely missing from the b-market version

that started touring the next year,

Getting Down In Your Town

"Mom and dads Dudes and dudettes"

"Feast your eyes on the criminal mastermind of all ages,"

"the formerly omnipotent,"

"Shredder"

"Shredder?"

"Whoa! Where's Shredder?"

– [screams]

– [screams]
– Oh, look! No way!

And just because we're here anyway,

it is a fuckton better than Turtle Tunes

or We Wish You A Turtle Christmas

both musical specials released four years later

when the popularity of the half-shell bros was kind of on the wane

(Sings) Light the lights, and sing Noel-o

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Isn't it weird realizing your whole childhood

was just an ad designed to make you fat?

"It gives us our strength"

"It is what we devour"

"When we eat it, what do we get?"

"Pizza Power!"

You can find links to all of those clips

and commercials in the description

Plus, an Archiveorg download of the entire

Coming Out of Their Shells tape –

including the moving April O'Neil ballad,

“April's Ballad”

Do you remember any of this shit?

Please let me know that I'm not alone in the comments

Turtle Power

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