Scientology’s music is crazier than Scientology itself

by birtanpublished on July 2, 2020

every religion has its own music chance

or hymns or MxPx but not every religion

is Scientology and not every religious

song is secretly about how the ancient

souls of long-dead aliens are attached

to your soul because they lack their own

freewill because they were sent here by

a galactic dictator named Xenu put them

inside of volcanoes and blew them up

with hydrogen bombs



thanks to anonymous and Southpark most

Internet dwelling humans have a working

knowledge of Scientology usually to hear

the secret doctrine you have to be in

the church for several years Stan are

you ready to hear the truth

created by science fiction writer l ron

Hubbard in the 50s Scientology is

fascinating because it is the

quintessential modern American religion

its business practices are modeled after

McDonald's and Coca Cola it uses very

contemporary marketing techniques and it

is on an endless quest for mountains of

cash it's as American as baseball or

jazz and it's a good thing that it has

its own jazz


the Apollo stars were Scientology's

first band while Hubbard and his new

religion were under attack worldwide

they ended up spending most of the 70s

at sea on majestically named vessels

like the Apollo where these stars were

born power of source was released in

1974 the band were reportedly forced to

pay Hubbard $1 for every wrong note

played during the recording which is

strange because this is a jazz album

the Apollo stars entertain members of

Scientology's inner circle Sea Org as

they came to be known and members of the

public although none of this was as

entertaining as Hubbard's next foray

into popular music


conceived by Hubbard as the musical

companion to his epic 1982 novel

Battlefield Earth space jazz was written

by the author and performed by artists

like Chick Corea originally conceived as

a multimedia trilogy that would end in a

Battlefield Earth film it took 18 long

years for Hubbard's dream to be realized

it's a joke


mission earth would be Hubbard's last

novel published before his death a

sprawling 10-part tome that would be

adapted into a one part album by Edgar

Winter in 1986



there are also two albums one released

in 1986 the other in 2001 that take

Hubbard's words and set them to new

music they're like Scientology gospel

but so much




performed by Frank Stallone leif Garrett

and the breakout star from the film

adaptation of Battlefield Earth John

Travolta 1986 is the road to freedom

explicitly explorers sign at illogical

ideas like auditing Hubbard's insane

sci-fi version of psychotherapy it also

finally gives us his words in his voice

I do not sing what I believe I only give

them back if they believe quite uh


it still will

they're so beautiful

hey hey cuz somebody tell me where to

party act put em up put em up put em up

put your hands up put him up

I fing up bass drum boom that was Dougie

fresh on 2011 s the joy of creating an

album that also features noted

Scientologist Isaac Hayes it is

shockingly hard to find online unlike

all of Scientology's most sacred

documents which if you were actually a

member of the church they would charge

you hundreds of thousands of dollars to

view it's kind of like the library card

bit in Good Will Hunting only with a

homophobic space cult instead of a bunch

of Jags from Harvard which brings us

solidly into the 90s with the kids on

stage for a better tomorrow


in time


active from 1992 till 2012

the kids were a group of

nondenominational singers and dancers

who just happened to have their practice

and performance space inside of

Scientology's Celebrity Centre in LA

they also had a TV show if you'd like to

find out more about the barriers to

study here's the book that we use it's

called learning how to learn by l ron

hubbard and for older kids there's a

book called study skills for life right

their most popular video is called don't

pass me by and while it's primarily a

super unlistenable version of rhythm

nation it does feature this one dude

just hammering on notes every single

chance that he gets



go on



I'm sold what do you think is

Scientology's music better or worse or

more less evil than any religions music

let us know what you think in the

comments and be sure to subscribe for

new episodes of this exists every

Thursday if you're from the Church of

Scientology please don't sue us and we

had a video go up on the needle drop a

couple of weeks ago all about torture

and music and a few people accused us of

treating the topic someone insensitively

trying to be funny much like we did in

this video so instead of making a joke

about going clear body thetans or Xenu I

hope that you will check out some links

in the description all about Lisa

McPherson and some of the more heinous

things that have gone on in the name of



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