Catwoman – Hilariocity Review

published on July 2, 2020

i did not hit her it's not true it's

bullshit i did not hit her

i did not oh hi mark i love my eyes

i never misspelled anything that's what

what time

[Music]

ah catwoman my old nemesis

i knew this day would come the day i

would finally have to look you in the

eye

and talk about you you guys wouldn't

know this but over the past few years i

have attempted to watch

catwoman for a second time i saw the

film originally back in 2004 when it

came out

ever since i started talking about

movies on this platform i knew that one

day i would probably have to talk about

catwoman i have old notebooks filled

with notes of me

attempting to watch the film and only

getting like 20 minutes in or a half an

hour in and giving up

but i'll tell you what quarantine does

some fucked up things to you

it makes you want to try things things

you've

never done before like do a hilariosity

review of

catwoman since black widow was going to

come out this weekend but was pushed

back i decided to talk about elektra

which i've already reviewed

and now we're going to talk about

catwoman a film that's often grouped

together with

elektra on worst lists of comic book

movies i'll tell you what this movie

makes elektra look like a goddamn

masterpiece

as you probably know this film gave

halle berry a razzy award for worst

actor and she was cool enough to accept

it in person

first of all i want to thank warner

brothers

thank you for putting me in a piece of

shit god-awful movie

it was directed by pitov

normally i look up how to pronounce

names when i'm not entirely sure but in

this case i just don't give a shit what

is it with directors who give themselves

music video names

like chaos who made ballistic x versus

sever

or mick g who's made some horrific

movies in a couple ok movies the film

begins with an opening credit sequence

that's filled with old pictures of cats

including an article about cat mummies

and like all great movies our first

introduction to our protagonist is

through voice over

it all started on the day that i died

if there had been an obituary it would

have described

the unremarkable life of an unremarkable

woman

survived by no one but there was no

obituary

because the day that i died was also

the day i started to live but that comes

later

this voiceover never returns

i'm not kidding the the voice over never

return who is she talking to

us i i think this this opening she is

actually speaking directly to the

audience because we don't

understand catwoman yet and we need to

be told

that catwoman will soon become

catwoman we're soon introduced to the

world of patience phillips

played by halle berry she's now playing

selena kyle

she's playing patience phillips a

graphic designer for a makeup company

and they're about to debut their

fabulous new age reversing makeup

every time i ever thought about a

catwoman solo movie i always thought

what if she was a graphic designer

working for a makeup conglomerate

so patience is desperately trying to

make a good impression on her

domineering asshole boss

with her graphic design skills wow i'm

so invested

while she's at home a cat comes to her

window and then jumps 10 feet up in the

air to another ledge

and for whatever reason patience decides

that she should go out and save this cat

that is obviously a lot more agile than

her

she nearly dies but then benjamin bratt

as a super cop comes

in and saves her life she's obviously

immediately smitten with this man and so

it's a good thing that she dropped her

wallet for him to find and

track her down in a very creepy scene

we'll soon talk about

sharon stone is in the film as well she

plays the face of this makeup company

that's about to be replaced by a younger

model

and her shock at this is alarming

what a great superficial character that

i totally like and understand

and can relate to an older woman

who has discovered that she is no longer

young

and is it just me or is every close-up

shot of her in this film

airbrushed i'd like to talk about the

friends that patience phillips has at

this makeup conglomerate

hey man sandwich 12 o'clock

oh my god and then we have her extremely

perverted friend who spends the entire

movie doing nothing but talking about

benjamin bratt

and his hotness detective long

tom god that is such a good name

tom lone rhymes with cone

phone bone she's the most annoying

character in this entire movie without

exaggeration

every time she's in a scene it is to

talk about either patients

and her love life or her own love life

what she wished she had going on in her

love life and usually it's about some

guy that she really wants to bone and

that's her fucking character

it's um well it's

it's great writing i love it so the cop

shows up at her workplace because she

dropped her id

and why is halle berry acting like she's

never been asked out by a cop who

tracked her down to her workplace

in front of her friends and made a big

show of asking her out on a

date actually yeah that is

fucking weird but seriously halle berry

not being used to getting attention from

guys is fucking hilarious

she's one of the most gorgeous women on

the planet but the film really starts to

pick up speed when she goes back to this

makeup agency in the middle of the night

to turn in some work she's trying to

save her job

and she overhears the people who know

about this new makeup line that they're

launching talking about its deadly side

effects

that's right if you stop using this new

makeup

you'll basically die your face will

fucking fall apart

your skin will just melt off your face

and

that my friends is the plot of catwoman

but patience makes some noise and so

they go after her and try to kill her

and how is she casting a shadow right

now

where is the light coming from behind

her while she stands in front of these

boxes

so they start trying to kill her and

eventually she gets trapped in a sewer

pipe and they blow her out of that pipe

by turning on the water pressure

she's rescued by a cgi cat whose mouth

we go inside of that's probably

somebody's fetish

so the cat walks up halle berry's leg

like it's crawling up

pride rock and the music really wants us

to think that this

is just amazing

[Music]

the cat breathes some kind of mist into

halle berry

and her eyes actually change to a cat's

for a second

and then she wakes up and we get our

first look at what

being catwoman might actually be like

like

having the abilities that catwoman has

and it seems like a goddamn

psychological nightmare

[Music]

this would be fucking traumatizing she

leaps up her balcony and breaks into her

own house and her really creepy friend

calls her again droning on and on about

benjamin bratt's

fucking body patience phillips i have

never been so proud of you

you're probably sipping your decaf soy

whatever right now fantasizing about

licking the foam off his lips

oh wait that's what i'm doing at this

point in the film i became aware of

cgi establishing shots pitov

loves his goddamn cgi establishing

shots zooming all around the fucking

city

into a building that's a reflection and

then you're in the house through the

reflect

fuck off it's a god damn exterior

shot

god fucking catwoman

so patience goes to the house of the cat

lady of all cat ladies

and she throws something at her i'm

always here

it's a good thing that she's actually

catwoman because like if she caught the

catnip and was like

what the fuck you're disgusting

then it would be like really awkward

throw catnip at people oh hi welcome to

my house

catnip another side effect of being

catwoman is that you apparently lose

all sense of yourself you forget your

humanity

you say uncontrollable things you just

lash out you you have no control over

yourself anymore

which is wonderful being catwoman is

going to be amazing

you see a spider you fucking freak out

you crawl over the ground

you see fish you must eat it and you get

yourself fired because she tells off her

boss

and the entire place starts clapping for

her

wait sir there

i didn't mean it

did i my hero

seriously though is part of having a

cat's abilities not being able to

control your emotions

i thought cats were supposed to be

unusually smart animals

so her friend who is using that makeup

faints in the middle of the street

and she ends up in a hospital guess what

she wants to talk about as soon as she

wakes up

hey upside you gotta see my doctor okay

i can see you're feeling better

it reminds me what's up with the hot yet

modest but who cares because he's so hot

detective

god i really don't like this film but

patience would really like to find this

cop

because she obviously likes him and he

likes her and so she shows up at a

school where he's giving a lecture to

students

which is a little weird today

can i see your gun no you know what

makes somebody

will you shoot it no

school and guns and kids and

funny then all of a sudden one of the

most embarrassing

cringe-worthy scenes in the film happens

it's basically

a 90s music video from like a euro dance

group

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

you know sometimes you see things and

and you have to actually

visualize them creating it

everyone on that set even the goddamn

kids must have known this

is dumb this is stupid

why are we doing this oh that's right

the money

fucking catwoman now she's eating cat

food or

sardines or something prancing around

her apartment and i'd say

right about now i would really start to

question

exactly what is going on in my life

like will she have to use a litter box

from now on

that's the real question that the film

doesn't care to answer but just imagine

a scene

where benjamin brat like walks in and

she's like

don't look don't look and she's just

squatting over a litter box

that would be an a plus movie so her

annoying neighbors will not turn off

their loud music so she breaks in

hops on a table and uses a spray nozzle

like a whip

and breaks their speakers then she goes

full edward scissor hands on her hair

and takes a motorcycle i guess it's a

good thing she just had the keys

i don't really know how she did that but

it doesn't really matter

because now we get to observe pitov's

idea of cinematography

[Applause]

my god she hasn't even got her full

costume yet

this is gonna be a long ass video

so she foils a robbery and we get some

of our first looks at the horrific

catwoman cgi body i absolutely

hate the music choices and literally

everything about this scene

[Music]

michelle pfeiffer did it better meow

speaking of michelle pfeiffer there's a

little cameo

in this movie sort of she's a fucking

photo

on the ground so that's great i'm glad

that they put that photo there

so she wakes up the following morning

and realizes that she took all the gems

home with her and so she returns them

along with cupcakes and a note that says

sorry

which is sort of like a cup she gave to

benjamin bratt earlier that also said

sorry what a terrible fucking idea

what a very easy way to implicate

yourself as this person

but that's okay it doesn't matter

nothing matters

life is futile

and of course all great superhero films

are not complete

without a web search about the history

of cats

what the fuck is it with cats why are

cat movies so fucking bad

cats cats are cool in real life right

we like cats why can't anyone make a

good cat movie

that's my challenge to you hollywood

make a good cat movie

so she goes back to the mystical cat

lady looking for answers and we reveal

that that cat was actually just testing

her

to see if she was worthy of the gift

of being catwoman but you will

experience a freedom

other women will never know you are a

catwoman

hey she said it she said the movie's

title in the following scene she

magically has

her full catwoman outfit complete with

open-toed

shoes what all combat experts wear

we get a full 360 view of her body and

the outfit

and the most obvious cgi halle berry

leaping around the city

i just don't fucking believe any of this

next she goes to a club

and orders cream from a bar hey catwoman

writer what are you writing

oh i'm just writing the part where

catwoman orders cream

wow great idea i'm gonna put a scene

where she wants to eat the catnip oh yes

that's a good one

yes we're professional writers we get

paid

money to rape catwoman

so she starts dancing and putting on a

show to get the attention of the guy who

killed her before

and she attacks the guy and she's like

i'm catwoman

at the very least the movie is actually

starting to get pretty entertaining at

this point once she

suits up like it's absurdly stupid and

you can look at it and watch it and kind

of laugh at it i talk a lot of shit

but this movie can be very entertaining

amongst the right people

and the movie gives us what we really

need what we've really been wanting the

whole time

a romantic scene on a ferris wheel that

leads to a daring

rescue so catwoman hunts down her

asshole boss that fired her and the

police show up and what proceeds is

another

awkward sexually charged

dance routine but that's okay because

she purrs in benjamin bratt's ear

i won't lie if halle berry purred in my

ear there would be some

but here's where we reveal the true

miracle of this new makeup line

sharon stone insults rightfully so her

asshole husband

and he being the prick he is decides

he's going to hit her

but her um her makeup that she's been

wearing this this age reversing powerful

makeup has turned her

face rock solid so she can't actually

experience

pain because of the special makeup

that she

and next we get another date scene is

this a romantic comedy

is catwoman a romantic that's what it is

they just they make out they go on dates

it's a fucking romance movie and then it

rains

and because catwoman she doesn't like

rain she fucking flips out and they make

out again

and then they fuck if this movie had any

balls they would show

what she's like at that point too like

what

if catwoman no longer wants to sleep in

a bed and she wants to sleep on a shelf

and she wants to eat all the fish

and she hates rain and she can sense all

this crazy shit what does she like when

she fucks

so she gets a call from sharon stone and

there's somehow a video feed

before she answers the call what is this

fucking minority report

who is this for to remind us who sharon

stone is to remind us that the voice is

share is fuck you movie

so sharon stone reveals herself to be

the true mastermind behind this evil

makeup plan

she frames catwoman for her husband's

murder would you like to know what her

motivation is

i was everything they wanted me to be

i was never more beautiful

never more powerful and then i turned

40 and they threw me away

she turned

40

she turned 40

she turned 40

she turned 40

you know she turned 40

[Music]

so the cop brings patience in because he

suspects she's involved somehow and now

he knows she's catwoman and she has to

convince him about the evil makeup

empire that's going to kill women across

the world

she then slips through the bars of a

jail cell

because i guess she is a cat and a great

cgi escape happens

[Music]

[Music]

are you okay a girl like me lands on her

feet

so eventually the cop decides to trust

catwoman and she tracks down sharon

stone

and here we go with our big third act

finally you know how halle berry gets a

lot of hate for this movie because she's

the star

she is not the worst part of this movie

without a doubt it's sharon stone

she gives a truly atrocious performance

amateur not worthy of the big screen i

don't usually like to talk about actors

but this performance screams of a prima

donna

who as soon as they yell cut she screams

for an assistant to bring her a fucking

latte i hate her in this movie she is

real

fucking bad so one of the most laughable

final fights in a comic book movie

begins

with more great music

[Music]

but catwoman is really having a hard

time because sharon stone's makeup has

turned her into like a

brick and so she can't hurt her

this is the true conflict of the film

honestly just look at sharon stone's

reaction shots here this

again just seems like an actor incapable

of doing these scenes for real it's

mind-bogglingly sad

while she's hanging for dear life she

catches her reflection in the glass and

realizes that her skin

isn't perfect and it scares her so much

that she falls to her death help me

[Music]

[Music]

and her creepy purr friend is apparently

dating her doctor now so i guess that's

like her arc

then she writes a letter to the cop

saying she doesn't want to be with him

anymore

she cracks her whip and walks towards

the full moon

which has been full a lot over the

course of many different nights

in this film i must add and that's

catwoman

easily top 5 worst comic book movies of

all time

maybe top two all i really have to say

is that just

one year later batman begins came out

look at the contrast

one year guys thank you so much as

always for watching this hilariosity

review i'm glad that i was finally able

to talk about catwoman it took a while

you guys didn't know this but i really

tried to review this movie multiple

times and i could just

not get through it again i saw it back

when it came out and i was like never

again

but you know some things are worth

revisiting

guys thank you so much as always for

watching look forward to more videos

very soon and if you like this you can

click right here and get stuck manized

[Music]

you

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