Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever – Hilariocity Review

published on July 2, 2020

I did not hit her it's not true it's

bullshit I did not hit her I did not

[Music]

ballistic x vs sever the best titled

film of all time came out in 2002 and it

has since been reviled as one of the

worst if not the worst reviewed film on

Rotten Tomatoes this film stands at a

zero percent with 118 reviews after this

review it's about to be 119 that's

actually really hard to do usually

somebody comes in there and gives the

film a lukewarm positive at the very

least but in the case of this movie it

commits a very serious crime against

film see a film can be really bad film

can be so bad that it's good a film can

be bad but also kind of interesting but

unfortunately for this film it commits

the universally accepted crime of being

boring this is a movie that everybody

can agree is so boring and uninteresting

that it's easy to see why nobody likes

the movie it's not a film that's so

inept that it's a Tommy Wiseau

experience and it's certainly not a

great movie nor is it even a mildly

entertaining movie it's just a film that

you can possibly remain conscious while

looking at that's my pull quote this

film also has the distinction of having

a video game adaptation come out before

the movie is even finished a game based

off of the script called X versus sever

came out for the Game Boy Advance so

strangely the video game based off this

movie isn't actually based off the final

film nor is the film based off of the

video game this is a very unique thing

that happened with this movie and it

combined to make one of the biggest

box-office disasters of that year so

Antonio Banderas plays X a man who used

to work for a secretive government

agency he was very good at his job as we

are often informed but he's retired

because his wife has been killed or at

least he believes his wife has been

killed and we first meet him early on in

a bar a place we're all sad reluctant

heroes go in movies he's smoking he's

drinking and some men are trying to

recruit him for a job they promised him

that if he will do this job they have

information about his wife that she

might not actually be dead and they can

help him find his wife but only if he

does the job first this naturally

him off but what I really like to talk

about in this scene is the state of the

bar why is no one there some extras

could really help out this scene it's

just Antonio Banderas and the other

people he's supposed to talk to it's

like they got the location and forgot to

fill it with people and we soon meet

Lucy Liu's character sever she is

kidnapping a young boy who we find out

is the child of our main villain a

ruthless bad guy why is he ruthless I

actually don't know why I see a bad guy

cuz the script says so what I'm getting

at is that this movie tells you how to

feel about the characters

we're told Antonio Banderas is a badass

we're told he has skills but we don't

see any of these skills for a very

fucking long time we don't see the

character X do anything of Merit for

something like 30 minutes we're just

constantly told that he's this epic

badass let's look at the movie taken for

example it's similar in that we're told

constantly that Liam Neeson has a set of

skills and until someone takes his

daughter

we don't really see those explode that

being said he's also a bodyguard and in

the beginning of the movie we see him

have to do something to defend the

person he's guarding so we are set up

visually what he can do and we

understand that he's a very dangerous

man we don't know any fucking thing

about X he's just a sad-sack

sitting in a bar why are we constantly

told that he's so epic show us something

epic and it's the same with the bad guy

he's just a bad guy

we don't fucking know why at the very

least sever is shown kicking ass when

she abducts this child so that's

somewhat of a setup for what she can do

and since the film set up her skills

early on they decided to set up

absolutely nothing else about her she is

an emotionless brick throughout the

whole movie

Lucy Liu is a very likeable actress but

she is horrific ly bad in this film you

can tell they're trying to make her that

silent stoic badass that doesn't say

anything that doesn't seem to emote that

is just a ruthless killing machine but

that's not how this works you have to

have some charisma there has to be

something about you that feels human

something anything in fact I pause the

movie right around where you're used to

getting your inciting incident that

thing that propels the movie forward and

you're invested in the story hopefully I

was about 13 minutes into this film and

I had no idea what it was about there's

a scene where the agency this recruiting

Antonio Banderas sits him down and gives

him a huge exposition dump about some

sort of nano machine that can be

injected into someone's bloodstream to

give them a heart attack and how this

bad guy wants this technology and how

somebody might be smuggling it and he

has to find it but if you're not paying

attention to every goddamn word which by

the way is something I try really hard

to do in a movie you will miss things

now I've said in the past and a movie

like Mission Impossible fallout for

instance that when you're supposed to

pay attention to every scene that that's

a good thing that's when a movie has

something to offer that's when dialogue

has something to give you emotionally or

or at least get you invested in a story

but a guy just standing there rattling

off about a fucking nano machine that's

possibly out there that maybe could do

something and our hero who's sitting

there looking like he'd rather be doing

anything other than be in this movie is

a very easy way to make me not give a

shit about your plot if you don't seem

to give a shit about your plot guess who

also won't the fucking audience

everything about this movie feels Low

Energy Antonio Banderas walks around

looking like a zombie

Lucy Liu doesn't emote the extreme

overuse of slow-motion bogs down the

action scenes from any form of intensity

they might have had which brings me to

what I really would like to talk about

and that is the period after the matrix

came out in 99 the matrix obviously

changed the way we viewed action movies

and sci-fi it was something that was

very revolutionary and there was a

period that I just called the post

matrix years after 99 – maybe like 2004

or 2005 where Hollywood was absolutely

obsessed with recreating whatever it was

the matrix had not only is this a Warner

Brothers movie just like the matrix but

it's also a film with a Don Davis score

who also composed the music for the

matrix and it seems to me that Warner

Brothers and the makers of this movie

took all the wrong lessons from the

matrix they thought while people wearing

sunglasses and black clothing with

slo-mo fighting and slow

shoot-outs well that's what made the

matrix good right fucking wrong bitch

the matrix had a great story it had

great characters it had great visionary

film makers behind it this film takes

the aesthetics of the matrix rips them

off of it tries to put it into another

movie and fails horribly

another one that I have talked about in

the past that I will probably also

review in a hilarious –'tis segment in

the future is the one starring Jet Li

not only was the title a ripoff but so

was the action in the film so as ex is

out there trying to find his wife he

runs in to sever who he realizes has

this kid and she wages all-out war on

the streets of Vancouver I mean people

are being shot and killed left and right

she's beaten dudes with batons she's

shooting all over the place and the

people against her are also shooting all

over the place without exaggeration

Vancouver has turned into a war zone and

here's our hero X running around doing

what he shot a goddamn tire that is all

we know about our super special skilled

guy that we're supposed to think is so

badass he shot out a tire get that guy

on the job he fucking knows what he's

doing

for instance in the middle of this very

awkward ballet fight that exits ever

have one punch seems to hurt his hand

this guy couldn't even be a celebrity

bodyguard let alone some super agent in

the middle of this action scene they

stopped to have this really awkward bit

where this guy is making out with a girl

and the suggestion is that she doesn't

want him to

and it just stalls the action for some

really awkwardly placed comedy that

doesn't seem to make any sense why are

these people just there in an alleyway

who is this guy who is this girl what is

fucking happening why should I care and

Ray Park is in the film that's right

Darth Maul himself I want you to observe

a scene with him you're sweating except

he's not sweating at all it's a fucking

close-up god damn it do you think we're

fucking idiots and since the only thing

the film really seems committed to is

mindless action sequences it's strange

to me that they couldn't even get those

right is that what happens when people

get shot yeah like that's like what is

that after vancouver is turned into a

war zone antonio banderas finds himself

at the house of one of his fellow agents

having a staring contest

I wrote down in my notes I wrote staring

contest builds character at this point

we're about 35 minutes into the film and

there has been one scene with the

villain one why should i fucking care

about any of this so after fighting one

another X and sever go onto their

computers and research the other person

and we get a great two minute scene

where they read I don't know how they

have access to these documents I don't

know where they're getting these

documents and I don't know why we have a

two-minute scene where the characters

are reading about the other person you

know a lot of people look for

alternatives to medicine sometimes

people want to go to bed and they don't

like nyquil I just watch this it'll work

but once X realizes that his wife is

still alive and tracks her down we get a

weird emotional soap opera scene inside

an aquarium complete with romantic

dissolves the emotional beats in this

movie are so unearned and cheesy that

the very best they can do is cause

laughter so we learn here the epic

backstory that took place to create this

mess that we're in Antonio Banderas was

married to this woman and this asshole

decided to fake their deaths he rigged

two cars to blow up X's car and his

wife's both of them were positioned at

the right spot to witness the other

person's car blow up so both of them

have gone on living for the past seven

years thinking the other was dead why I

don't fucking know I don't actually know

goddamn it maybe the guy wanted to get

with this girl maybe he wanted to

smuggle nanotechnology into this child

which is what he does there's no real

motivation for any fucking thing but

here is where the big plot twist comes

into play and it's where the title X

versus sever stops making sense entirely

because after this sequence x vs sever

is no longer a thing they had a fight

one time and now they team up against

the bad guy dumb fucking title

you guys get the point the kid that's

ever abducted isn't the bad guys kid

it's actually X's kid that he had with

his wife before he supposedly died and

the bad guy believes it's his son I I

have a question that someone somewhere

must have asked at some point and I

believe that I can describe this query

with a graphic so like all great

hilarious ATI's X versus sever features

some incredible green screen I

completely buy everything I'm looking at

right now none of this looks fake at all

so now we get to our big finale sequence

which takes place in a train yard

explosions are happening all over the

place

there are minefields as well throughout

this train yard very little is set up

very little is explained the use of so

much explosives is is barely mentioned

it's all glossed over in a second we're

just supposed to believe that beneath

all of these trains lies a ton of

fucking c4 how did this happen who put

the mines there I don't understand

what's going on and of course all of it

is in slow motion see the matrix

compensated for its use of slow motion

by also having fast-moving action it was

used sparingly when it was used it was

impressive it was never just used to be

slow motion for slow motions sake the

only thing slower than the motion in

this movie is its progression of story

and its characterization there was a

point where it got became so scattered

for me that I didn't really know what we

were shooting anymore with the action

with the with the explosions and I just

thought okay well I'm just gonna show up

to the side and just apply chaos put me

wherever he wants to put me

and you know he would say okay you know

you're gonna turn you're gonna run that

way and okay great so then you get on

the train he's like okay you're gonna

jump up the Train and I'm like okay

great

whatever and then they're like okay

let's and rolling and bring on the

pyrotechnics literally this fireball

I think they shot the rehearsal because

after that I was just like oh my god

thanks for telling me

so now sever is gonna fight with Ray

Park who by the way it goes by the name

of the Prince of Darkness in this movie

which is a fucking hilarious nickname

huh and for some reason they set up a

noble fight it's where they drop their

weapons and they're like no we're gonna

fight hand-to-hand we're not gonna use

any of our cheap weapons or tactics I

don't understand that

where did they ever set up a history

with these characters how are we

supposed to care about the noble fight

that's being set up between these guys

we don't know anything about their

history we don't know anything about

their backstory why didn't they just

fucking kill each other well fortunately

Ray Park is capable of doing some

amazing stunts and so he at least looks

cool but Lucy Liu does not she is so

slow throughout this fight scene and the

impacts have no weight

it looks like shadow boxing they barely

look like they're making contact it's

fucking embarrassing

just like old times huh and now that the

main villain is there and sever has the

drop on him she shoots him with

something that apparently is that

nanotech that can cause a heart attack

and in so doing we get yet another

hilarious reaction to being shot

[Music]

what the fuck like oh Jesus

all that's raining is that the best you

can do No

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

that intercut cg to let us know exactly

what's happening inside of his

bloodstream that to me was the level

where that is where I truly checked out

so everyone saved X and his wife have

their kid and severs happy now and the

law shows up and they accused sever of

being a killer so where's our mysterious

killer just not a cadet and what is she

a mother so yeah at one point she had a

kid she has a photo she often looks at

it's about the extent of her

characterization but are you seriously

denying that she's a killer need I

remind you that she turned Vancouver

into a goddamn war zone

yeah I'm thinking she's a killer like

she factually she is a killer she

actually killed people so the movie ends

with a very cheesy song and that's ex

vs sever this movie is a mystery to me

it's a real enigma it seems like a lot

of money was given to a production that

just wanted to rip off the matrix it's a

film that is so so so boring that I can

understand why it has that zero percent

this is a movie where everything about

it is so uninviting and so uninspired

that it commits that universally

accepted crime of being boring this

movie is nothing it's extremely easy to

dislike there is but one memorable shot

in this movie and it's this shot of this

dude falling on a car

I like how they committed to the actual

impact and made a car that could do that

that was impressive besides that this is

something you've seen a thousand times

before and done considerably better guys

thank you so much as always for watching

look forward to more hilarious ''tis

very soon I'm excited to bring these to

you I know you guys have been requesting

more of these and I'm gonna be working

on a lot more of them so I hope you guys

enjoy them thanks as always for watching

and if you like this you can click right

here and get stuck mine eyes

[Music]

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