Artemis Fowl – Movie Review

published on July 2, 2020

Artemis Fowl debuts on Disney Plus this

Friday I was able to see it early

through a screening link that was pretty

nice it's been a while since I've seen a

film early and been able to give you

guys an early review this one was based

off the famous book series mostly the

first book in that series and it's

directed by Kenneth Branagh who last

made Cinderella for Disney and Thor this

film has been in development hell for a

long time all the way since the early

2000s when the books were very popular

and they first came out this movie has

been passed through many different

directors hands many different writers

and it's finally landing on Disney Plus

this weekend a trailer for it debuted

like a year and a half ago then it was

pushed back even more and of course with

a pandemic it's now just being dumped on

Disney Plus which is interesting because

Disney has been very careful to not put

a lot of their films that were supposed

to come out like Mulan or New Mutants on

Disney Plus but they're comfortable

putting Artemis Fowl on Disney Plus why

is that I didn't like the remake of

Aladdin I didn't like the remake of The

Lion King most of Disney's live-action

movies of the past few years have been

very disappointing for me Artemis Fowl

occupies a different category entirely

this film is incredibly awful I mean

stunningly bad and I went back and

watched the teaser trailer that debuted

a year and a half ago and I can confirm

that maybe two or three shots in that

teaser are actually in the movie whoever

the woman is in the white dress I don't

remember seeing that so much of that

trailer is not in the film it feels like

they shot a trailer they didn't actually

have any of that from the movie the

young actor they chose for Artemis Fowl

ii his name is for dia shaw and this is

his first role it's his first credit on

IMDB ever I feel so bad for this kid and

I mean that completely genuinely this is

a terrible performance

it feels amateur in every way it feels

like whenever he gets one of his lines

out his face locks up and he's done with

his line reading now but they're still

filming him and he's just waiting for

someone to feed him another

it's embarrassing it's really fucking

embarrassing and I feel bad for the kid

he's really bad in the movie but

honestly the worst part of this film is

that it feels like it has no story the

core gist of the movie is that Artemis

Fowl senior played by Colin Farrell who

apparently shot his entire role in like

three days

his kidnapped and whoever kidnapped him

wants this incredible secret device

that's going to give them all of these

abilities and powers so yeah it's a

giant MacGuffin that everyone wants to

get so Artemis Fowl ii has to find

wherever this thing is so that he can

use it as a bargaining chip to get his

dad back well there's also this

underground world of fairies led by Judi

Dench that's basically what the film is

about if you were to summarize it on

paper but that's really not what the

film is about the film has no idea what

it's about Josh GAD as a dwarf who is

discriminated against because he's a

tall dwarf narrates almost the entire

movie he shows up and he's being

imprisoned and he's talking to the

camera as if he's being interrogated and

if we're going to have excessive voice

over in a movie explaining every plot

detail to us it's probably best if you

don't sound like this Artemis Fowl was a

smart boy a boy filled with intellect

and smarts and he was very clever and

better than everyone he's our hero and

he's better than you I hope you'll like

him the first six minutes of the film is

entirely exposition I understand the

movies require it the first six minutes

of this movie is nothing but it and it

continues so heavy-handed and

in-your-face throughout the entire film

because they have no idea how to

condense this story into 94 minutes by

the way this is super short for a debut

franchise movie of a popular book series

I was about a half an hour into the

movie when I realized I still didn't

know what the film was trying to be

because it sets up Artemis Fowl ii and

his world and how he's like this smart

little brat that everyone apparently is

supposed to like even though he has

nothing interesting about him whatsoever

and he's kind of really annoying then

all of a sudden we're down to the

faeries world and we're meeting troll

characters that are getting stuck in

these

time freezes and there's these action

sequences there introducing a fairy that

really wants to be the best fairy ever

in the army of fairies and Judi Dench is

the old wise fairies like 800 something

years old this story line was a lot more

interesting than our title character and

it was still really really bad I thought

about this and I think this is easily

top 10 worst live-action Disney movies

ever made it might be top 5 this is

barely a movie it's barely a story if

you're a fan of these novels you are

going to probably hate this this is more

of a spy kids movie than it is an

Artemis Fowl movie I'm gonna give

Artemis Fowl an F this is such a mystery

to me 125 million dollar budget

apparently just went to this a movie

that is directed by someone who has made

good films in the past a movie that has

talented people in it but for some

reason it just feels like a hodgepodge

of scenes strung together to make a

feature-length runtime it doesn't feel

like you watch the story it doesn't feel

like any characters existed within the

narrative it just feels like a property

that has finally been given a feature

film treatment and released in some

capacity it's so so bad and it's very

disappointing guys thank you so much as

always for watching I hope you're having

a great weekend and if you do see the

film I'm curious to know what other

people think about it especially if your

major fans of the book series guys thank

you as always for watching and if you

like this you can click right here and

get stuck mine eyes

[Music]

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